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The Need to Listen
How often do we find ourselves feeling disconnected from the people in our lives? How often do we feel that we are having less deep and meaningful conversations? We connect via text messages and assume that it's enough. We have short, quick conversations while distracted by our phones and other devices, and over time, we find ourselves alone in a room full of people.
With social media, technological advances, and AI, everything in life seems to be moving at a high speed, and we feel the urgency to catch up. We are constantly feeling the need to learn more and to do more, so we can adapt to the rapid changes around us. In addition, we are surrounded by endless distractions, which makes it even harder to remain present, live in the moment, and truly connect with one another.
Hence, we must prioritize slowing down and investing in ourselves and our connections. While technology is great and has many benefits, we must learn to balance and prioritize having enough time away from technology and its distractions so we can have real, intentional, human interactions and experiences. We are social beings, and we thrive when we connect with other people, which makes us feel that we belong. Connection and a sense of belonging are essential for our long-term health.
For this blog post, I’d like us to focus on one skill that can tremendously improve all areas of our lives: a skill that can help us improve our relationships, our ability to work with others, our ability to lead, and our ability to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings. This skill helps us become better communicators and become more empathetic towards people, allowing us to bridge the gap between us and truly connect. Let’s dive into the power of deep listening.
The Three Levels of Listening
Listening is an essential skill that professional coaches need to acquire, as it is foundational to their ability to build a strong, effective coaching engagement with the client. A good coach must be able to truly listen to what is being communicated to them, not just verbally but also non-verbally.
According to the Co-active Coaching model, there are three levels of listening:
Level one listening is when our focus is on our thoughts rather than the other person. It is when we become unintentionally caught up in our opinions, thoughts, feelings, and personal judgments about the person or the situation. Sometimes we miss parts of the conversation simply because we are too focused on what to say next. So, in level one listening, most of the conversation is with ourselves in our heads rather than truly hearing what the other person is trying to tell us. Most people use this level of listening in their everyday conversations and interactions, and this is where most of the miscommunication comes from.
Level two listening is when our focus is entirely on the other person. It is when we are more interested in what they have to say than in our own thoughts. When we listen at this level, we usually notice that our questions and comments reflect a genuine interest in the other person and what they are saying.
In level three listening, our focus is on the speaker, just as in level two. However, we take it a step further by focusing not only on the words and verbal communication but also on the nonverbal cues we receive from the other person. We pay attention to their body language, tone of voice, feelings they reflect, their pauses, and moments of silence.
When we listen to others using levels two and three, people feel heard and seen, naturally leading to deeper, richer, more authentic conversations that also foster more empathy, more understanding, and stronger connections.
So, How Do We Listen Deeper?
To practice that level of deep listening, both levels two and three require us to continue managing ourselves and maintaining our focus on the person speaking, so that our thoughts are not all about us, our own opinions, or our prejudgments. We must continuously bring our attention back to the other person and what they are trying to say, giving them space to speak while staying curious and non-judgmental. In addition, we rely on our intuition while listening, which helps us pick up on many nonverbal cues in the conversation.
Some non-verbal cues include voice changes when someone speaks, which can reflect their emotions. Other non-verbal cues include pauses in speech, silence, or a sigh. Noticing body language and facial expressions is critical for deeper listening and understanding. For example, somebody might say one thing with their words while saying the opposite with their body; this sometimes happens in parenting. Parents notice that something is wrong with their child, that they might be acting differently or out of character. However, when the parent asks the child if everything is okay, the child reassures them that all is fine, even though the parent can clearly tell it’s not. What the child communicates verbally vs. non-verbally is opposite; this is an example of how leaning into our intuition and noticing non-verbal cues can help us pay attention to what is really going on and what they are trying to tell us, beyond just words.
Let’s Give It a Try
This coming month, I encourage you to challenge yourself to choose one interaction each day where you practice listening more deeply in your conversations. Notice what happens when you do that. Notice the impact it has on yourself and your conversations. Notice the effect it has on the other person and your relationship. What else do you become aware of as you listen deeper? What else do you notice simply because you shift your focus during your conversations from your own thoughts to the person with you?
To sum it up, people need to feel heard, which makes them feel seen, understood, and valued. It is a basic human need that we all desire and seek. So, give yourself a chance to truly practice and develop this critical skill, which can create a ripple effect in all areas of your life.
Sincerely,
Rasha Afifi-Talleh
Executive Coach
CPCC, ORSC
